Raging Bulls

I had a 3-hour lunch with a friend the other day. It’s not that we ordered a lot of food, nor that the service was especially slow. We don’t even know each other that well. But we talked on and on. We do have things in common. We work in the same field, for example. But more importantly, and what kept us talking for hours, was the fact that we’ve both had the experience of working for bully bosses.

I’ve had my share of difficult bosses. I don’t mean demanding bosses; I’ve had a few of those, too, but they are not the problem. Bully bosses are more than demanding. They are unfair, unreasonable, and often unpredictable. They might be very smart and good at thinking on their feet, but they lack empathy and emotional maturity. They are poor managers and can be manipulative, Machiavellian, and represent the penultimate Mean Girl (or Mean Guy). Undeterred egos and ambition are also common characteristics, as is an overdeveloped sense of superiority.

Judging by the amount of literature devoted to dealing with bully bosses, the stories my lunch mate and I exchanged with each other are hardly unique. An article in Forbes Women Magazine puts it this way:

“The simple truth is that bully or tyrant bosses can be found in abundance. Unfortunately, the majority can't legally be institutionalized. Many should not be bosses.”

Seen from the outside, bully bosses can be a fascinating study in contrasts. I had a bully boss who could be remarkably articulate and astute, and come off as quite caring in some instances. Or she could be verbally abusive, throw tantrums, and contradict herself in ways that left staff, and the occasional important visitor, quite dumbfounded. Being in the line of fire of these displays was not only disconcerting, and at times humiliating, but also incredibly destabilizing for the whole organization. It instilled fear and avoidance even among the most senior and well-respected members of management. It also discouraged frank discussion and exchange.

For people who are not in a position to just tell the boss to “take this job and shove it” or more simply say, “you need help” and quietly walk away, dealing with bully behavior can take a huge toll on their physical and mental health. Because we don’t live in the scripted world of clever TV shows or William Wilder films, most of us can’t come up with the snappy retort or cool response that would help us glide over bully remarks with wit and agility.  Instead, we do things like babble, go silent, or say things we later regret. And in some ways, this is the most insidious part about bully bosses – how they push us beyond the boundaries of normal professional behavior into darker areas of avoidance, deceit, self-doubt, and other such things that don’t do anyone any good.

Because the problem is so rampant, there’s no shortage of advice in the press and online on how to deal with the bully boss. This may help survive the onslaught, but it doesn’t really resolve the issue. The best solution is to get out from under a tyrannical supervisor either by quitting, transferring to a new reporting line, or having the person in question leave or move to a different position. Sometimes, horrible bosses do get their due; they get fired, demoted, or as happened to one over-the-top-boss for whom I worked, publicly embarrassed in a major media story. Occasionally, they get promoted away or hired by unsuspecting new employers.

One positive side effect of working for a bully is that it can build solidarity among those on the receiving end of the unreasonable behavior. I still get together with a group of colleagues that bonded nearly 20 years ago in such circumstances. And over the years, I have forged far closer connections with colleagues in the face of subsequent bully bosses than I would have otherwise.

But even in the best-case scenarios, the imprints of abuse from bully bosses run deep. Recovery takes time. It takes a measure of realignment, a move to a saner working environment, and the occasional long lunch.