The
other day, I met a group of new people in a professional situation. There came
a point where I had to turn to one of them and say, “I’m sorry, can you remind
me of your name again, please?”
I then made a conscious effort to repeat her name, and to
hook it to something familiar – the face of another person I know by the same
name – so I’d retain it.
But I have to ask. Wasn’t
there a time when this was easier? When recalling names, memorizing phone numbers, or picking up a
different language didn’t require such a conscious effort?
I think it was called youth – when hair was big, phones had
cords, and tweeting was for birds.
These days, there’s lots of research on the chemistry,
lesions, and other factors that affect brain health. Every several months or
so, there’s a new report on the physiology of brain disease or deterioration – and
the potential chemicals or treatments to prevent or reverse them. It must be
fascinating work.
In the meantime, they say the best way to maintain a healthy
brain is to have friends and social networks, undertake stimulating activities,
exercise the body as well as the mind, and have a purpose in life. In fact,
these activities are said to be so good for cognitive function, they can actually
trump negative factors like depression or illness.
Now, what’s interesting about all this is that making
friends, finding a place and purpose for oneself, being active and stimulated –
these are exactly the challenges one faces as a tag-along expat spouse or partner.
A friend recently posted a link to a blog written by a woman
who has been moving from country to country with her husband for 7 years. In Not just gin and tonics: Why it’s harder
being an expat wife than you think, the author articulates well the
trade-offs between the great advantages of living abroad (e.g., maids, manicures,
many adventures, etc.) and the difficulties (e.g., language barriers, legal
restrictions, loneliness, and especially, the lost sense of self).
Going abroad to study, travel, or work is one thing. Moving
to a foreign land without those sorts of anchors is quite another. It requires
fortitude, patience, and no small measure of creativity. You have to reinvent
yourself. You have to face your fears. You have to deal with new customs,
bureaucratic idiosyncrasies, and being taken advantage of.
Many cope by taking on volunteer projects, a new language,
or a new sport. They join cooking classes, a club, or a gym. They meet fellow
parents, dog lovers, and birdwatchers. They find themselves making friends with
people they might otherwise have never met, or even liked.
I’ve been very lucky as the ex-pat tag-along wife. The first 6 months in Peru were hard. But
then I landed a really interesting job in an international organization. This meant
I could work legally. And it opened up a whole new world of challenges,
experiences, and adventures. I met amazing people. I learned a phenomenal
amount of new things. I went on work trips ranging from India to Iowa, Beijing
to Brasilia, Lake Titicaca to Kampala, and Rome to rural Kenya.
And of course, I totally benefited from the experience of
living abroad with my family, discovering new places together, and learning
things about ourselves as we took on new adventures.
Since arriving in Nairobi, I’ve been fortunate again to
maintain one foot in the working world. Thanks to former contacts and
international contracts, I’ve been plunged again into new topics and time
zones.
We also knew people here before arriving, which made it far
easier to develop a social circle. In addition, there
are lots of active networks and groups in Nairobi, offering great
opportunities to discover the country, meet people, and cross-connect. The fact
that one of the official languages of Kenya is English has been helpful, too.
In 4 ½ years, I’ve learned a lot about adjusting as a newly
arrived expat and the efforts needed not to lose my sense of self. I’ve gotten better at meeting people, asking for help, and pushing
my limits. I’ve developed a tolerance for mediocre movies (beggars can’t be
choosers), a taste for gin and tonics, and a greater ability to get by.
Is my brain all the healthier as a result? Who knows?
Certainly my life has been made richer.
I’ve lived wonderful experiences. I’ve seen all sorts of
African animals. I even remember their names.
If only I could do that with humans.
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